It’s there. Out in the not so distant horizon. A childless house is coming, in just a few short months. My husband and I began our lives together as a family of seven. We look forward to having time for just the two of us. Still, the idea that my days of raising children are numbered is more difficult to accept than I ever anticipated.
I am a mom. Pretty much the first way I would describe myself to anyone. Yes, I am, and always have been, “more” than that. My days as primarily a stay-at-home-mom were few. Very few. I was never at my best without something else in my life. But, being a mom is by far my greatest achievement. My greatest source of pride
Having three children who already graduated high school, two of whom already graduated college, I realize that kids come home. I know that the house won’t stay empty forever. I understand that one or more of our children will be home for various lengths of times at various times of year. I realize that my job as a parent is not done. I will forever be a mom. I know these things to be true and they do bring me some solace.
Of course, it’s the everyday that will be different. In many ways, that’s a relief. No more planning dinners. There will be far less laundry, dirty dishes and messes in general. The utility bills will be lower, as will the grocery bills. There won’t be anyone to roll their eyes at everything I say and do. And, I’ll have far more time for myself.
So what is it that makes becoming an empty nester so difficult? In theory, it sounds pretty good.
Some say it’s about not having a purpose anymore. I suppose that’s part of it. Others wonder how they and their partner will get along without the kids around as a distraction. I see how that can be an issue for some couples. And, others fear the loneliness of not having others in their house. Especially, single individuals. I have to admit, I look forward to the quiet.
I think the overall issue is something bigger. Something that applies to all of us. I believe it’s about time going by.
That’s the thing. That’s what makes us struggle with this major life adjustment. We’re getting older and it’s hard to deny it when our children are now moving out and becoming adults.
Until now, parenthood was about growth and expansion. Our young children learned new things, started new activities, made us busier and busier. We celebrated every milestone with them. We watched them learn to walk, talk, play baseball and solve a quadratic equation (ok, maybe not). Our focus was on them and how they were changing. We forgot about ourselves for a while.
When they move out, we can’t deny ourselves any longer. We see ourselves for who we’ve become and can’t hide from the changes. We’re older. Wiser too, of course. But, it’s the older part that’s hard for us to grasp. We’ve lived the life we used to dream about as kids ourselves. We started our careers, got married, had the babies, and watched them grow. We’re to a stage now we never much thought about. It’s the time of life we used to believe was so far in the future we didn’t have to consider it. In the blink of an eye, our childhood dreams are behind us.
Of course, we can create new dreams. Obviously, life is not over just because our kids move out. We know this to be true, but it’s not that easy to just pivot and go on. We’ve had many years building to this point in time. Tons of effort and energy to get us to this point. We’ve given so much of ourselves that we hardly know who we are anymore. We need time to adjust.
Yes, it takes time. We need to allow ourselves time to grieve the loss of our own youth, not just that of our children. We need to set new goals, and find new ambitions. We need to find our energy again. (It does come back, right?) We need some time to figure it all out.
We will. We will start a new hobby, move to a warmer climate, or get back in shape. Maybe we’ll do all three. We’ll reconnect with our spouse, or decide it’s time to move on. We’ll learn to love our clean house, and savor all of the quiet time. We will rediscover ourselves, or recreate ourselves. Whatever the heck we want to do.
And once we finally start enjoying it all, our kids will start to have kids. We will become grandparents. We get to start all over again, with far less work and much more appreciation. Perhaps that’s why folks say there’s nothing quite like having grandchildren.
